Published March 24, 2007
this part I'm not so sure, I don't know if I like how it flows. So please
tell me what you think.
When Jake got to the rider, Rogue was standing guard over the body.
The rider was small and childlike. It looked like a young boy. The boy was
whimpering like a wounded animal. Jake reached down and turned the
boy over to find pain filled green eyes staring back at him. Then Jake
realized that it wasn't a young boy at all. He was shocked to find a girl
instead.
"what in the hell is a girl doing up here?"he said
Jake decided he could ask more questions once they were dry. He
picked her up and started for his cabin. "So what are you doing on
my land?"
All he got was a moan. Rogue followed close by and kept looking at
the woods like there was something or someone in them. Jake wondered
if the two riders were watching as he carried their comrade to his house
and thought that they might come to take her back. Then he figured by
the way they hightailed it out of here they wouldn't be coming back for
awhile. He took her into his cabin and laid her on on his bed. The cabin
was scantly furnished and in need of a good cleaning. Thinking he would
get the same answer as before ,but figured he would give it a shot anyways
he asked "do you at least have a name?"
"Rose" she whispered.
this isn't the end but I can't finish typing so I'll finish soon. please comment it'll be appreciated {2nd edit}
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hey this was good and everything I saw that was wrong has already been pointed out so keep it up gurl and I'll see you soon.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the advice and I hope I fixed it to where
it made better since. I'll write more soon. Thanks.
~ A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.
Chinese proverb
It's interesting and has my attention. Not much more I can say without reading the previous part and the end, so once I've done that I'll add more.
Not really sure what you were trying to say here. THe rider was small and childlike, it looked like a young boy?
I don't see how it would be such a shocking discovery to find out that it was a girl not a boy. Maybe just re wording it a bit, I can imagine shock but not shock rippling through him.
Need a "by" in there after figured.
It was a decent enough story, it has my attention and I will want to read more. The paragraphing is a bit off putting though.